Self-Acceptance as a Catalyst for Change
“To remain well, the client must recognise that his old patterns have not been erased once and for all... though it is a bitter pill to swallow for a person who had hoped the golden era had come, one must learn that recovery means no more than this: the strength of the old problematic pattern has been reduced as one has learned to live in a more wholesome fashion. But the potentiality for one's special way of malfunctioning always remains alive when one succumbs to great stress and retreats into an angry or anxious state. This realisation can help one deal with these relapses and resist the temptation to indulge in self-blame and a feeling of helplessness and final defeat.”
- Andras Angyal
Acceptance, generally speaking, implies some sort of feeling of giving up or resignation. At least that's accordingly to the “common sense” which in this case, is a little bit too common. And that which is too common, tends to be naturally subjected to less attention and blind acceptance.
Going along with this “common” definition and feeling, self-acceptance would imply giving up on any form of change. It is what it is. I am who I am. Since I accept myself, there is nothing else I need to do, because doing something would equal not accepting myself. Oh, what a dilemma!
Let's clarify some things first. The oldest meaning of the word “accept” I could find refers to an act of receiving what is offered. How the hell did we go from acceptance being simply an act of receiving something to an act of resignation, giving up, letting things go, passivity and all other abstract nonsense disconnected from this straightforward action?
If we now apply this original meaning to the concept of self-acceptance, we will get a very clear and actionable definition: a wilful reception of the Self. It doesn't imply that that's all there is, neither it implies that you can't exchange it for something else. All it says is that you take your Self as it is. Willingly.
What you do with this Self afterwards is an entirely different matter. When I receive a certain set of cards in a game, I can't just ask for a different set. I don't think that's how games are played. I must accept these cards and only then I can do something – I can play with what I got, I can fold, I can quit the game. But the point is – I must accept to receive these cards first and only then I am able to do something about it. If I refuse the cards, I'm not in a game so I can't do anything about the cards.
The paradox here is that you cannot change anything about yourself without self-acceptance. You can't become fit unless you fully feel and embody being unfit first. And I mean a full, authentic experience of being unfit. Only then by working out and pursuing various regimes a change will be possible. Change not only on some objective, observable level. But most importantly, change in your experience. By pursuing these actions, you will start experiencing being fit. The experience of being unfit will slowly fade into the background.
The same applies to everything about your psychology, emotions and various experiences and states. You can just wish yourself to be happy, to feel differently, to be a different person. Try and you will see that it only breeds more shame, guilt and a myriad of other distressing feelings associated with the lack of self-acceptance – a refusal to experience (take) yourself as you are.
Only by fully receiving the cards you've been dealt (the misery, the depression, the euphoria, the anxiety, the enjoyment, the sadness, the despair, the bad habits and the good ones) – and embodying them fully, you will be able to change. “I don't want to feel sad”, “I don't want to be tired”, “I don't want to have poor habits”. Well, too bad – but that's what you have received.
Notice how your experience changes the moment you say to yourself that it's ok to feel this way, that it's ok to be this kind of person that you are right now, and that the pressure you've created for yourself might be just a manifestation of fear of just experiencing yourself the way you are right now. Or, simply a fear of experiencing life in this particular way that is different to your expectations or ideals – how you should feel, be, think or do.
Acceptance then, is a willingness to get in touch with what is – with the reality of your situation, who you are and what your experience is. Too often we might create narratives that disconnect us from what is: explanations, assumptions, excuses, analysis. Everything but what is.
Self-acceptance requires a form of honesty. It's not about judging or evaluating yourself – that's a part of the narrative which might be difficult to fully verify. But rather, it's about describing your experience in a plain language that avoids explanation and judgment. It might be a tricky thing to do as most people are conditioned to jump to analysis, evaluation or wishful-thinking. Yet, it is the description that brings us closer to the truth.
Practising self-acceptance as a catalyst for change takes more than a periodical reminder (like most self-help “experts” want you to think). It's not just about accepting who you are in a general sense, but it goes far beyond that. It requires daily connection with what is – with what you are right now, what you are feeling, what your experience is, what is the situation that you are in.
Rather than giving yourself a periodical pat in the back in front of the mirror (as if that would solve anything) and forcing yourself to accept your flaws, the productive form of self-acceptance is about experiencing your flaws in real time. It's connecting with and describing what you are experiencing, good and bad – whilst feeling it fully, rather than just thinking about it.
Exercises like this, where the self-acceptance occurs in real time rather than in a cognitive-abstract realm, promote a real change. Once you connect with the experience of what is, then you have a choice to create an experience than you want. Once you own what is then you have the agency to change it. Where does this experience lead you? Do you want to continue this experience? What are your options? What is the potential? How can you use elements of your experience to aid your goals? You need to own it all (accept it, receive it) first. And that's the true magic of (self-) acceptance.