Are You Struggling to Set Boundaries?

Nothing is as it seems, especially not within psychology. The archetype behind someone who tends to be afraid of hurting others, people-pleases, and struggles with saying “no” and setting boundaries is pretty clear: someone nice, quiet, kind, and considerate. Turn this perspective a few more degrees, and you get a dormant welcoming mat for people to walk over. Turn it a few degrees more, and you start seeing someone passive-aggressive and resentful. A few more degrees, and you get someone manipulative, controlling, and self-centered.

Different perspectives, same behavior - which points that there is no reason to feel guilty about setting your boundaries in a passive way. Not rocking the boat is a pretty good strategy for having a low-drama life. And yet, the fact is that being indirect and having poor skills around setting boundaries is not an effective strategy to get what you want in life. Regardless of the cause, what gets in the way is usually fear, sometimes shame, rarely true spite or resentment. But the fact is – saying “no” feels like total self-annihilation, and it's not enough to just do some assertiveness training. We need to work on the core issue in a patient and compassionate way. And that core issue is self-congruence.

Personal Stories of Struggle

When I was around eight, I remember shopping with my grandma. She picked out a blouse for me that I completely hated. It was for small children, I thought. And yet, I froze and couldn't say anything.

Fast forward to my twenties when I felt coerced into renting a flat with my boyfriend. I hated it and didn't want to sign the contract. But I did, for the very same reason I didn't tell my grandma that I didn't want that blouse, and it cost me one year of misery. It looks like I didn't learn anything from all those years since I was eight!

And I still probably make the same mistake when I'm caught off guard. But I'm working on it.

A Schizoid Freeze

All instances of doing something I didn't want to involve the same experience – freezing. On one side, I could say it was fear of upsetting the other person, or being yelled at, or dealing with some other drama. On the other hand, it felt like being stuck in a dilemma. A sort of mental processing brain freeze – if I do this, that will happen, if I do that, something else will happen. I don't know what the right thing to do is, so I will just wait.

Such a state lacks one fundamental organizing force that could easily provide a way out and run things smoothly – without much drama or hurt to any of the involved parties. And that is self-congruence, self-respect, and prioritizing your own well-being – all of which are connected and interrelated. The schizoid self (or ego) needs strength to withstand the opposing forces coming from the world or other people, and the source of that strength is precisely self-congruence: a connection and consistency between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It doesn't mean a lack of conflict or paradoxes within oneself, but rather, saying what you truly mean, doing what you truly want, and truly meaning what you do. Another, perhaps simpler word to describe it is honesty.

The paradox is that many schizoids want peace and to be left alone. And yet, in social situations, they do things that give them the exact opposite. Yes, ghosting others or deceiving them into thinking you are happy with the direction things are going will give you temporary peace. But it's like quicksand that will bury you alive in layers of your deceptions, ultimately isolating yourself from everyone. You will get your peace, but you will also deepen your eternal isolation, disconnect, and terror of being alive. And the more you do it, the more work it will take to get yourself out of this quicksand. Not so peaceful.

A Way Out: Self-Congruence

If I could make one promise to you, it would be that you will be okay when you say “no” and are direct with others. The world will not crumble, and people will not tear your face off. In fact, you will gain: a feeling of self-respect, self-worth, people will see you and respect you, your needs will be met, and you will become generally stronger and more resilient. What are the potential losses? Someone might feel disappointed in the moment, maybe angry. But you know what, these are fleeting emotions of a moment – unless you're dealing with some resentful freak, but you don't want such characters in your life anyway.

There is no other way out – you could either continue burying yourself in quicksand or start getting out. Little by little, saying “no” will get easier. The discomfort will subside with each iteration of you setting boundaries and communicating your needs. The more consistently honest you are with yourself and others, the more congruent your self will become. And the more congruent your self becomes, the easier it will be to stay true to yourself and express that to the world. It's a never-ending cycle that will get you out of the quicksand of total isolation, emptiness, and feeling like you don't exist.

The trick is to keep your mind locked on the target, which is to get out of this quicksand – the perpetual state of freeze and doing things you don't want to do.

Finding Your True Self

No wonder so many schizoids don't know what they want, need, or struggle with experiencing pleasure. How can you experience joy and pleasure if you've been living a lifetime of self-denial and doing things you don't want, due to your habitual freeze and being pushed around life like a feather on the wind! You need a spine, and you need to stand on your feet. And the only way to do it is to stop bullshitting other people (and most importantly, yourself!).

Start small and clean up your own space. Stop doing what you don't want when you're by yourself. So many people continue with that self-denying habit even when nobody watches them and continue doing things they don't truly want. Eating too much ice cream, staying up too late, wearing clothes they hate, staying at a job that makes you miserable, talking to so-called friends you don't really care about. You need to stop it now. Before you try and figure out what you really want out of life, you need to clean the space from things that don't even matter to you. Only after you get some sort of congruence within yourself will you be able to develop congruence with others.